Mania

In my last post I talked about the depression side of Bipolar Disorder. Tonight I will talk about the manic side of Bipolar Disorder. Manic episodes or "mania" are no joke believe you me!

Symptoms of mania include:

Mood Changes

A prolonged period of a mood that's unusual for the person is required for a diagnosis of mania. The first two below are part of the specific diagnostic criteria for a manic episode; the others are descriptions of the way these moods may be expressed.

• Abnormally elevated or expansive mood
• Extreme and abnormal irritability
• Easily excited to enthusiasm, anger, agitation or another emotion
• Unusual hostility

Increased Energy

Whether these symptoms are noticed independently by others depends on a number of factors. For example, the change in sleep patterns won't be apparent in a person who lives alone, unless that person speaks about it to others.

• Decreased need for sleep with little fatigue
• An increase in goal-directed activities
• Restlessness

Speech Disruptions

These symptoms are particularly easy for others to notice.

• Incoherent speech
• Clang associations (which can also occur in schizophrenia , schizo affective disorder and other psychotic disorders) 
• Rapid, pressured speech

Impaired Judgment

The first three symptoms listed below are very much related to social situations, and are quite likely to be noticed by family members, friends, co-workers, etc. The last two are often obvious and can have particularly far-reaching consequences. In some cases, however, the manic or hypomanic person will try to hide those behaviors.

• Inappropriate humor and behaviors
• Unusual impulsiveness
• Lack of insight
• Financial extravagance and/or recklessness 
• Hypersexuality

Changes in Thought Patterns

Some of these symptoms can't be observed by anyone but the person experiencing them, but he or she may tell friends and loved ones about them.

• Unusual distractibility
• Enhanced creative thinking and/or behaviors
• Flight of ideas
• Disorientation
• Disjointed thinking
• Racing thoughts
• Increased focus on religion or religious activities

Fluctuations Between Mania and Depression

Finally, a person with bipolar disorder will likely have periods of depression as well as periods of mania or hypomania. These periods are called episodes. A person must have had at least one episode of mania for a doctor to diagnose bipolar I disorder, and both hypomaniac and depressive episodes to be diagnosed with bipolar II disorder.

Depression

 Good Morning friends! Today's blog will be about the depression side of Bipolar Disorder. Below is a quick definition of depression and some symptoms taken from the WebMd website.

Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely 'pull themselves together' and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression. The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite, with weight loss, or overeating, with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious, or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance and insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment, and thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. The principal types of depression are called major depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disease (manic-depressive disease).


We all get depressed. No matter who you are or where you are from, you will at some point in your life experience depression. Sure you can try to deny it and tell me "no no not me I don't get depressed" but I know the truth and while I applaud your attempt to puff your chest out and play tough, I urge you to stop denying your feelings and be honest with yourself. From the loss of a loved one to a breakup to unhappiness in school or work to many other reasons, we all get depressed. For those of us with conditions like Bipolar Disorder it tends to be a bit worse and occurs more often.

As I've mentioned before I've been battling depression since I was in my early teens and told you of my attempts at suicide in my life. I was so depressed a lot of the time that I just wanted to quit and end my life and I must admit that sometimes I wish my attempts had been successful, but that's the depression talking. When I am depressed I sink very far down and it is very hard for me to pick myself back up and carry on with my life and there's nothing anybody can say to "cure" my mood. People will say things like "get over it" or "it's not that bad" and for children it's even worse as they get the "what do you have to be depressed about?" question. To those who have children out there, please refrain from making those statements when your child comes to you. It is very hard for us to open up to our parents about such a thing so when we do you'd better make it worth our while because it is likely that we will start bottling up our emotions and that is NEVER good.

In nature I am a very observant fella. I watch those around me and study their behavior and I must say that I sometimes wish to myself that I would not have to deal with depression like I do and that I could just "let go" and be happy. Unfortunately however, this doesn't happen! and I realize this so what I'm doing instead is trying to create a spot where I can instead reach out to others who suffer like me. Depression is a heck of a battle but trust me when I say that you are not alone and there are a lot of us here to help you get through whatever it is you are going through. I think one of several things really wrong with society is not enough people seem to show that they care about one another. Human compassion has become very scarce and this bothers me because we all have the power to help each other but so often we avoid doing so because of the old lame excuse "it's none of my business". That way of thinking needs to change and we should do whatever we can when we see/know somebody is in need of help. Think about what they are going through, and try to imagine yourself thinking that the only solution is to end your life. In other words, put yourselves in our shoes and ask yourself how you would like it if you felt you were all alone and that your death would somehow improve the world. That is the power of depression as it truly kills your hope and spirit and leaves you questioning why you were ever even born.

Depression can also turn into so many other problems like "self medication". When depression leads to self-medication, it can make a bigger mess of the difficulties that the person is already experiencing. Often, people who are going through depression will turn to alcohol or drugs to deal with their mood and negative thoughts. It may seem like a good idea at the time. The problems that may be causing their depression seem to slip away momentarily, but the happiness and hopefulness that gives them pleasure through self-medication only lasts for a short period.This of course is one of the reasons why heavy drugs have taken over our streets. As conditions worsen and we become more and more hopeless, why not turn to a drug that will numb us to the pain? I do not condone taking hard drugs but I do not judge those that do turn to them. It is not my place to judge anybody but instead I say we need to treat the reason for them turning to drugs instead of damning them.

Always try to keep in mind that the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. When you feel that low and feel that weak it is a hell of a struggle to pull ones-self out of the hole and survive their depression. I know that it can be very frustrating for everybody involved from the person depressed to the family and friends of that person that wish they knew what to do to save them. All you need to know is that the key is to simply just be there and let us know that you are there for us and no matter what the problem may be you are not going to abandon us in our time of need. Offer a safe haven for us so that we don't feel like a burden on those in our life. Show that you want to help because you love and care and remember that sometimes all we need is for somebody to listen. For me, when I talk to my therapist and address my issues I am able to hear myself and without my therapist even having to speak I am able to closer examine the problem I am having and the feelings I am feeling and that does help. For those of you out there who struggle with depression and are not in therapy, GET INTO THERAPY NOW! If you can not afford it or need help send me a message and I will try to help direct you to something in your area possibly free of charge if it is in your area. Talking to a loved one or friend is great but talking to a therapist gives you a non bias outlet to vent your most deepest thoughts and feelings.

Coping Skills:

Coping skills are those skills that we use to offset disadvantages in day to day life. Coping skills can be seen as a sort of adaptation, such as the finely tuned hearing that many visually impaired people develop. Coping skills can be positive or negative. Positive coping skills help us get through situations at nearly the same level as those who do not have the disadvantage. Negative coping skills, however, may provide short-term relief or distraction, but ultimately worsen our disadvantage. A common example of a negative coping skill is the abuse of alcohol or drugs. Many mental health practitioners, particularly those who practice behavioral therapy, teach clients healthier coping skills for dealing with their issues. For a phobic client, coping skills may include deep breathing, guided imagery and utilizing a support person when facing their fears.


Talking it Out
Talking gives kids practice in verbalizing feelings, helps them feel validated, and can serve as a springboard to problem solving. Help teens identify several people with whom they feel comfortable discussing their problems. For kids who aren’t yet comfortable airing issues out loud, journaling can provide another outlet for confusing feelings. For parents of teens who won’t talk or journal, make sure that your child knows that you are available to talk anytime without judgment. Also, pay attention to their behaviors and moods so that you can identify when they are stressed.
Problem Solving
Another tool that teens need to be successful is the ability to find solutions for his or her own problems. Problem solving can be as simple as sitting down together and brainstorming a list of possible solutions to the given situation. Ask kids what they have tried before in similar situations, and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Make a list of options together, and then let teens choose the one they’d like to try. Check back frequently to process how the solution is or isn’t working, and help modify as necessary. The goal here is for kids to learn to feel confident about solving their own problems.

Stress Relievers
Adults must help kids find ways to relax that fit their personality and interests. Below is a list of activities that you can encourage the teens in your life to try to see which work best for them:

• Exercise. It releases tension and energizes. This can mean working out, bike riding around the neighborhood, jogging, or even shooting hoops in the driveway.
• Eat regular and nutritious meals.
• Avoid excess caffeine intake which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation.
• Avoid illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco.
• Get enough sleep.
• Take a time-out. Everyone needs a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, dancing, drawing, writing in a journal, playing a musical instrument, taking a long bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress.
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing, muscle relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, etc.). Breathing exercises are a great way to relieve stress anytime and anywhere. They’re simple to learn, simple to use, and can be done on the spot when you feel tension, immediately helping you to feel better. One very effective exercise is to ‘inhale peace’ and ‘exhale your stress’.
• Learn to say no. Being overcommitted is a major source of stress, even if the activity you’re considering is fun (such as spending time with friends). Although fun activities can be a way to relax, they can also become a source of stress when time management is not used. All aspects of your life – school work, family life, social life, structured activities (such as sports) – must be in balance to minimize stress. It’s sometimes hard to say no – especially if you’re concerned about disappointing or offending people – but learning to diplomatically refuse requests is essential to taming stress.
• Role play. Rehearse and practice situations which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class if talking in front of a class makes you anxious.
• Develop organizational skills, such as time management and the ability to break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks.
• Learn to feel good about doing a competent or “good enough” job rather than demanding perfection from yourself and others. It’s important to push yourself to do your best, but perfection isn’t possible.
• Listen to music during your regular activities. Music has proven health and stress relief benefits, and can be easily played during daily life to relieve stress.
• Build a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way.
• Develop a positive attitude. Optimists and positive thinkers experience better health, less stress, and more ‘luck’ in life. Decrease negative self talk by challenging negative thoughts about yourself with more positive, or at lease neutral, thoughts. While it takes a little practice to develop a more positive frame of mind, the practice takes little extra time and can really change your whole experience of life and how you live it.

 
Additional Ideas for Parents to Help Teens Cope With Stress

• Compliment children when they do well.
• Don’t burden them with your problems. But, do tell children about the family’s goals.
• Give your children ample time and attention to talk. Often, that is exactly what kids are craving, though they usually won’t come out and ask for it. Listen to them without interruption. Give them respect. Don’t belittle them or make light of the situation that is stressing them out. To you their problem may be trivial, but to a child the problem may feel huge. Use the problem solving skills described above to help them realize the true consequences of the situation and work through the issue.
• Use humor appropriately to buffer bad feelings and situations. A child who learns to use humor will be better able to keep things in perspective.
• Don’t overload your child with too many after-school activities and responsibilities. Let children learn to pace themselves. Don’t enroll them in every class that comes along, and don’t expect them to be first in everything.
• Set a good example. Demonstrate self-control and coping skills. Your child can benefit by seeing how you cope successfully with stress.

Kids who don’t have an available repertoire of coping skills can easily turn to rage, violence, or self harm when upset and vulnerable. On the other hand, when we work to help kids develop a full toolkit of positive coping skills, we give them alternatives that can help them turn problem situations into positive outcomes.

 I must go and prepare breakfast for the wife and child now. I hope you will find this blog helpful and of course I welcome your questions and comments. Anybody feeling depressed right now just hang in there and stay with us! You are not alone and we will get through this together! *If any of you are having suicidal or any harmful thoughts of any nature please contact the suicide hotline immediately National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and please fight the urge. Be well friends!

I wish you all good mental health on this Sunday, and hope you all have a great day. It is my birthday tomorrow!!! 30 years old! I only wish my Mama was alive to say happy birthday.

Joe

Getting To Know Me

In my first blog I discussed my struggles with depression and bipolar disorder and mentioned my diagnoses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I wanted to follow up today and mention that I felt really good to put all of that out there like that. My main hope is that people who are struggling like me or even worse can read my blogs and realize that they are not alone and that we don't have to fight this alone. I am here for any of you that wish to discuss your situations or even just to shoot the breeze.

I want to get into a little more about myself just to let you know more about who I am and what I represent. My 30th birthday is this monday and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. I'm not so excited for my own birthday and usually I am. Maybe it is because I miss my Mom so much? She died in 2010 and while I've been puffing my chest out and putting a smile on my face I don't know how much I've really "healed" or "gotten over" her passing. My Mom was the one who gave me my heart and gave me life. I always imagined her being there for my 30th birthday party, and honestly I get a little sad that my daughter will never get to know her grandmother because she was 2 when she died. Plus the situation I am in financially and lacking the funds to even get my meds is also taking a toll on my spirits.

As I mentioned before I am a poet and have been for almost all of my life. I started when I was very young and it always gave me a way to get my feelings out and my ideas. I'm a very imaginative person and I love to create and am into abstract kind of things. A huge Jimi Hendrix fan and I love Pink Floyd (David Gilmour) a bunch. In the 90's as a teenager I was heavy into John Lennon. I would sit and listen to all of his albums when I was down and depressed and always felt like Lennon was talking right to ME.

I started working at a program called City Year in Philadelphia. It is an Americorps program for young men and women ages 17-24 and can be a very positive experience. You can make a big difference in your community while earning some money to further your education. I got to do many great things in my two years working at City Year. Aside from all of the wonderful community service I took part in and the children I helped, I got to meet Bill Clinton when he was president and then George W Bush twice when he was president. I have my beefs with government and politics in general but I must say that I found Bush to be a very nice man and Clinton as well. They both spoke to me like I was an actual human being not just people shaking hands at a public relations event. I also got to meet Martin Luther King Jr the 3rd and many other wonderful public figures. My overall favorite part of being in the program though was working with the children. One little girl actually told me once she wished I was her Dad and that melted my heart away. I was only 19 at that time.

During my time in City Year I was working on a bit of a far fetched plan to promote peace. Like I said, I was very into John Lennon and the guy actually had me thinking I could bring attention to peace by doing far out things like he did. I devised a plan for a peace festival at Philadelphia's Penn's Landing. My planning went well, I was able to get coca cola to agree to help sponsor and was looking for other sponsors to help but coca cola said only if I was to get the City Of Philadelphia to approve the permit for my festival and all that legal junk. Well, I had a meeting with the mayor's office one morning and while they applauded my idea they just rejected it and said it couldn't happen. I was discouraged and scrapped my plans.

Around this time I started putting my poetry to hip hop instrumentals and was like hell yeah I am gonna take the world by storm! Only problem with that was I really sucked! I mean I would probably be out rapped by Bea Arthur (R.I.P. Maude). I kept at it though and started to write more from my heart and be as honest as possible.  I purchased myself a good recording microphone and I started to improve.I got myself Acoustica Mixcraft software and a "beat maker" program called DubTurbo and began compiling songs, recording about 60 in a 3 month period in 2011.

In my music I try to carry on the messages of my teachers (2pac, Lennon, Hendrix, Bobby Seale, Malcolm X, Gandhi, Forrest Gump and of course my Mom) and most importantly I express MY opinions and feelings as I feel them. My music and poetry are just two "coping skills" that help get me through my battle with bipolar disorder. I am surprised here and there when I get "fan mail" in my inbox especially when one guy told me one of my songs really helped him through the death of his Mom. That to me is worth much more than any amount of money.

My goal as an artist is to rid the world of this silly notion that making money is what making music is about. I do NOT charge for my music, never ever ever. I do offer them up as ways of bringing in some fundraising money for numerous causes, but mainly I just make t shirts and other merchandise to sell on my web store. I ask that people please show support and purchase something from the site because I'd like to be able to do positive things in the community but as a broke man pushing 30 on disability barely getting by it's just impossible for me to do any of that. So I put my work out there and see if people would be willing to donate, call it my "lemonade stand".

Lastly I want to tell you all that I know this world seems to be burning right now and right here in the United States things are really screwed up and it is pretty scary, but please don't forget that we the people have the ability to set it straight if we really put our minds and hearts to it. The biggest thing missing in society right now is respect/self respect. Bring those things back to life and we could really get something going. We just have to stop being so lazy and do the work and quit waiting for somebody else to come save us or a politician to put things right. Power to the PEOPLE!
 


That will probably be it for this weekend. I have a phone interview with Chi Scene Radio tuesday but I am not sure when the interview will be aired. I will keep you posted on that. Have a great weekend everybody stay safe and stay cool!


Joe

Bipolar Disorder: My Struggle

What is Bipolar disorder?  in short, A mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation and depression. The following link will take you to webMD for the details of B.D. Any of you out there that feel you may have bipolar disorder or know somebody that you think might have it. WebMD has a symptom checker similar to what your doctor will ask you if/when you go...

 Bipolar Disorder on webMD


My name is Joe Zwalinski Jr, I am a 29 year old male living in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago, Illinois. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2007 as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe social anxiety disorder. I was only diagnosed then but the fact of the matter is I suffered for many years before that undiagnosed so untreated. I am still fighting to cope and adjust to my meds and find my condition to be very frustrating and at times I'll admit I want to "throw in the towel".

I was born in Philadelphia, Pa on July 30th 1982 and lived in Philly for 22 years of my life. I grew up in North Philadelphia, a very rough section of the city once referred to in the Philadelphia Almanac as the "bad lands". Filled with drugs and violence this place was a real faith killer for me. Outside I would witness so many horrible things, the worst of all was the shooting of my friend who died later in the hospital. Outside sucked but inside wasn't THAT much better! My father was a caring person but was a heavy drinker so would often be drunk and when he was drunk he was very mean. I have a memory as far back as being small enough to be able to stand beneath the dining room table as I reached out for my Mother on the floor crying trying to shield herself from the punches and kicks. I brought this up to my Mom when I was 19, I told her "Mom I keep having this nightmare..." and told her that, she cried and told me that it WASN'T a nightmare and that she was shocked I could remember but it was actually something that happened when I was about 3 years old.

These acts of physical abuse happened quite often through my childhood and later on in my teen years the physical abuse lessened but the verbal abuse was just as often and extremely hurtful. I was a skinny but tall teenage boy who was tired of seeing his Mother in pain and so I started standing up for her. This would lead to my Dad pounding on ME a bit but I always say I happily took it so that my Mother wouldn't have to.

Growing up in the conditions I grew up in made me a very sad young man and was often feeling depressed and suicidal. I spent most of my time in my bedroom or in the basement writing poetry and listening to music. I would turn up the music on my headphones just to stop hearing the screams sometimes but it got to the point where I was still hearing screams even when there was nobody home...that's how bad it got. My first attempt at suicide came when I was 16 years old after a fight with my Dad. I just had enough and was so lonely and felt so hopeless that I just didn't want to live anymore. I swallowed a bunch of pain killers and drank a bunch of Jack Daniels whiskey. As you can see my attempt was a failure as I woke up hours later on my basement floor covered in vomit. Nobody found me but I guess lucky for me I rolled off the bed?

My Mom had a bunch of medical books and one time I read through the section on depression and I showed the book to my Mom & Dad, I highlighted every single symptom and told them I think I have a problem. They simply responded: Mom "You're too young to be depressed" and my Dad "What do you have to be depressed about?" I took their answers to heart and just dropped the subject all together. Looking back I'm angry at both my parents for ignoring my cry for help and it was a pretty loud and clear CRY FOR HELP! that went ignored...

Through years of ups and downs (mostly downs in my mind) I hit 21 years old and I started to hit the bottle pretty heavily. One night I went to the bar and I ended up drinking pretty much a whole 18 corona's by myself. I sat knocking them back alone quietly one by one by one until I was fitshaced and started my walk home. The whole time walking home I remember feeling so very depressed and wishing I was never born and all that mess. My drinking remained heavy for about a year straight until I was 22.

In early 2004 my Mom & Dad moved out to the Chicago area because my Dad found a job that relocated him out that way. Back in Philly I stayed with my Sister and rented the basement at her and her husband's house. I had started up my own DJ service when I was 20 and was working full time but me being young and dumb I didn't save money. The "friends" I had made would all come to me for money to help them out and being the caring person I am I could not refuse. In the early summer of 2004 while I was at work my sister's house burnt down, pretty much destroying everything inside. All of my DJ equipment was ruined and all of my clothes and personal items. I was compiling poems for a book that I was going to have published (I'd say I had about 600 poems in stacks of notebooks) but they were all ruined by the fire and water damage from the firefighters. I lost EVERYTHING!

After my bank account was drained by friends and family charging me to stay with them til I "got back on my feet" I decided I would accept my parent's invitation to move to Chicago and stay with them for a bit. I moved her in November of 2004 just after the presidential election of George Stinkin Bush's 2nd term. I arrived to Chicago O'Hare airport with only the clothes I was wearing. Turned out my sister and her husband claimed the insurance company said none of MY stuff was covered by the fire insurance since they did not tell them I was staying there...which still makes no sense to me but anyway...I got no compensation for the things I lost and here I was staying with my parents, broke and still lonely in Chicago...

A little over a year I ended up meeting a woman at the bar up the street from my parent's apartment and we hit it off right away. She saw something in me and she also saw I was troubled and needed somebody. Our relationship was very turbulant in the beginning as I still drank pretty heavily and sometimes when I wasn't even drinking I would have breakdowns that would sometimes be pretty violent (but I would more so punch walls and break furniture and fight myself from hitting HER).

In 2007 we got married! I was working and  I was having my ups and downs (to the extreme both ways) still. Finally one day when I opened up to my wife on a day I was feeling depressed, she told me to GO TO THE DOCTOR! I did and my doctor diagnosed me with severe depression but what he did was handed me a bag of sample medications. I was also there for back pains as well (the back pains I'll get into later)...So he gave me a bag of muscle relaxers, pain killers and anti depressants. I'd say after about 2 weeks of taking these meds the shit really hit the fan.

In late July of 2007 I had a nasty argument over the phone with my wife and she said to me "I think we need time apart" though in my mind I heard "it's over" and I just lost it and trashed the room and I spotted the bag of pills and once again ate them all like I was at a buffet. All I remember after that was police and medics talk/yelling at me and seeing my wife's eyes full of tears and hearing her children (I have 2 step daughters) crying in the other room. I would have died if the kids hadn't came home, they were staying by their friend's house and just decided to come home. The door was locked so they called my wife who came home and found me and called 911.

I was committed to the psyche ward at Elmhurst Memorial Hospital in Elmhurst IL. It was here that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and was started on Lithium carbonate, an anti depressant and at that time Zyprexa. My time in the "looney bin" was much needed but what sucked was I spent my birthday in there. I was in there for about a week and a half before finally being deemed good to go.

For the next year I was in a world of hell because the medication was making me feel like a zombie all the time and I felt it wasn't working for me. The doctor I had at the time made the mistake of telling me drinking wasn't so bad but just to keep it moderate "a glass of wine or a beer a day" type advice is what he gave me.

In 2008 my wife was pregnant with my child and it was only about 5 months away til she would be born. This was our 3rd pregnancy unfortunately my wife miscarried before so this was probably our last chance at having a baby together. During all of this my Mom wasn't doing so good. My Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer before I was even born and it spread throughout her body during the course of 20 years plus. She ended up with cancer of the bones and cervical cancer and a couple other things I can't remember off hand. In the late winter of 2008 my Mom had an aneurism burst in her brain! My dad called me from the E.R. and I rushed there.

When I saw my Mom in the emergency room my eyes filled with tears because here was my Mother looking at me and asking me for help and if she could have some medication please! She thought I was the doctor! when My dad told her "that's not the doctor that's your son" she said "I have a son?". She had to have emergency brain surgery and she recovered but sadly she lost some of her memory and she struggled with this. I was over their apartment one day and my Dad had the nerve to pick a fight with her and started calling her stupid because she didn't remember something and then he got pissed at her because she didn't put HIS caffeine free pepsi's in the fridge to get cold.

After a few minutes of hearing him degrade her I jumped up from my chair and went off on HIM. We got face to face for a minute and it got very heated when my Mom got between us and tried to stop us from fighting my Dad sucker punched me a few times and one of those hit my Mom...I was infuriated!!! I was about to destroy this man but my Mom begged me not to hit him because he himself had a heart condition. That was my Mother though, didn't matter how bad a person was she was all about peace. I left there and didn't speak to my dad for quite a long time.

In the spring of 2008, my wife sent me to the bar one night after a long day and told me to have fun. My friend had a band and was co owner of this new bar so I went to hang out and jam a little and chill. Well, I drank a whole lot of beer and people were buying me shots of hennessy and I lost count at about 8 double shots. The rest of the night I only know what I was told because I do not remember ANYTHING that I did. I somehow ended up home (I know, forgive me yall) and my wife said she came out and was yelling at me for driving home drunk and staying out as late as I did. She said she saw a look in my eye that she NEVER saw before and said I didn't even look like myself at all. Apparently I got up and chased her in the bedroom and she said she was so scared she slapped me and kicked me in the nuts. I did not even flinch she said, but that I slapped her twice and went to the living room and dropped to the floor passed out.

In the morning when I came to I saw my cell phone was blown up with texts from her. The texts all said for me to be gone by the time she was off work and that it was over this time. I then went and swallowed lots of meds again and after I took them I went for a walk figuring with the heat outside I would collapse and hit the ground and hopefully this would do it (I'm so glad nobody would ever sell me a gun!). Once again I was found, I woke up in the hospital again but this time I did not speak a word to anybody for the first few days. I was just tired of being me and wanted to be done with my life.

My blood alcohol level at the time they checked it was STILL wayyyyy above the limit so they said during the time all of that happened I must have been extremely lit. In one of the group therapy sessions I suddenly started thinking about my unborn child still in my wife's belly and I broke down and cried heavily. I then made the ultimate decision that I was done with alcohol and that I was going to dedicate my life to my daughter and make sure that I do not leave her side or allow her to grow up in fear the way I did. The psychiatrist eventually told me that the experience I had was temporary psychosis brought on by the mixture of the alcohol and my meds.

During my time in the psyche ward this time I was very unsure of what was going to happen when I was released. My wife was set on it being the last straw and that scared the hell out of me. After advice from her friends and even after a chat with a counselor at the hospital she decided she would stick by me and I promised her alcohol and me were broken up! I have kept that promise by the way and it is now 2012 and I've had maybe one or two beers tops. My mom & dad moved back to Philly in 2008 because my Mom needed constant supervision because of her brain surgery.

On August 25th 2008 my daughter was finally born. I was in the delivery room for my wife's C section and got to witness that gore fest called child birth. I went into the nursery after they cleaned her up and she lay there screaming and crying and as soon as I stood by her and said "Daddy's here" and held my hand next to her she stopped crying and grabbed my hand and looked up at me and at this moment I felt like I was saved.

In October 2010 my sister told me that my Mom's doctors were saying she had about a week to live, so my wife and I scrambled our butts off to get a rental car and we were set to make the 13 hour drive out to Philly so I could see my Mom and tell her I love her and say our "goodbye". On October 5th, we woke up and got the car ready but my sister called me and broke the news that my Mom had passed away earlier that morning. I was then and still to this day heart broken by that.

Now it is 2012 and that is most of the story of ME. There was a lot more to say but perhaps I'll write a book and be more detailed and include more stories. I wrote this story just to give you all a view of who I am and what has brought me to where I am right now writing this blog. Bipolar disorder is very hurtful and to those of you who can relate, YOU are why I am starting this blog. Some of you are kids reading this (younger than me = kids just as people older than ME are ancient), and you might feel like you are scared or you might not be coping with your problems so well. Well I want to offer some support and show you that you can make it!

My coping tool has always been poetry and music. I am an artist that works with many different forms so that I can relate to more and more people. I rap, I play guitar, I do some photography, I also make videos and montages...I am a stay at home father on social security disability because I have a very messed up back and other pains in my body. I have numerous herniated discs in my spine, spine degenerative disease, 6 kidney stones, 2 hernia's, irritable bowel syndrome and I have frequent migraines that last for days and are so intense.


This week was the start of my blog, I gave you my testimonial and let you know how I got where I am. feel free to comment and share YOUR stories or if you have any questions feel free to ask. Please keep negativity away from here and keep it respectful (some people can be real jerks). If you have any questions or comments please feel free to comment or send me a message and I'd be happy to chat with you!

Thank you all for reading! Have a lovely day and I wish you all good mental health and a big hug! You are NOT alone!!!

*If any of you are having suicidal or any harmful thoughts of any nature please contact the suicide hotline immediately National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and please fight the urge. Be well friends!

Joe


follow me on twitter @SarzRevolution